Introduction:
Greetings, fellow travelers on the winding road of life! Whether you’re a seasoned warrior battling your own inner demons or a seeker of solace and understanding, you’ve stumbled upon a sanctuary where honesty, humor, and healing unite.
As a therapist and a wounded warrior myself, I’ve traversed the depths of pain and scaled the heights of resilience. Armed with a potent blend of direct honesty and irrepressible humor, I’ve made it my mission to spread the message of living a life that’s not just surviving but thriving—a life that’s whole, courageous, and bursting with purpose.
In this space, we’ll embark on a journey of self-discovery and transformation, where the wounds of the past are not shackles but stepping stones to growth. I firmly believe in the inherent capacity of every soul to heal and rise above adversity, and I’m here to guide you on that transformative journey.
Drawing upon my experiences as both a therapist and a wounded warrior, I’ll share my story with raw authenticity, humor, spirituality, and boundless creativity. Together, we’ll explore the intricacies of the human psyche, unravel the mysteries of resilience, and celebrate the triumphs of the human spirit.
So, whether you’re seeking solace, enlightenment, or simply a good laugh amidst life’s tumultuous journey, you’ve found a kindred spirit. Join me as we navigate the twists and turns of existence with courage, compassion, and sometimes a hearty dose of humor.
Letting Go:
One of my favorite quotes is by David Foster Wallace, “Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks on it.” Letting go of people, dreams, hopes, and ideals has constantly challenged me. I have romanticized and stayed in unhealthy relationships, made excuses for abusive family members, clung to unsupportive friendships, and remained in jobs too long. My understanding of love was in the fantasy or the fight. The claw marks symbolize my inability to recognize unhealthy behaviors and an attachment to an emotional investment, even to my detriment.
“If I’m fighting for our relationship, they will see my worth!”
“I must be the problem.”
“If I’m faithful and put up with poor behavior, they will eventually treat me right and love me the way I need.”
“To be good, I must put up with disrespect.”
“What would Jesus Do?”
“They didn’t mean it; they’ve been through some difficult times. Be more understanding.”
“If you keep loving them, they will change.”
“Compromise means you aren’t allowed to have boundaries.”
These beliefs led to disappointment, burnout, and the inability to hear my intuition. Others around me ended up with peace, while inside, I felt anxious, chaotic, and confused. My faulty childhood programming led me to believe it was my responsibility to put up with any adverse treatment. Disrespect and neglect were my norm. How can I be better, do better? The idea that everything was always my fault and I was responsible created anxiety and the need to people please. I spent my life trying to be what others wanted and never seemed to measure up.
The quote emphasizes the truth that letting go is never a painless process. Letting go of my beliefs and relationships required me to look within. I had to examine what I was holding onto and what about myself and my programming created false narratives. Even deeper, what part was I playing in the dysfunction? Did I enjoy the chaos? What is the resistance to change keeping me in these unhealthy relationships? These questions began to surface repeatedly, forcing me to face my visceral struggle with detaching.
It is not our fault for being abused as children. However, It is our responsibility to heal from it. Recognizing behaviors and patterns can be challenging when it is our default. Chaos and confusion feel like “home” because that is what home felt like. Family=Family-iar. Breaking patterns is not pain-free or passive. It requires self-reflection and grieving. Self-reflection is both recognizing the behaviors I am tolerating in the name of love as well as identifying the toxic behaviors I adopted to survive. Grieving is the ability to explore what I didn’t get as a child, what I wished I had, and what I may never have from the people I want it from the most. Then, doing the work to learn what love is and how to love yourself the way you deserved. Simple, but not easy.
What I learned:
- Someone’s opinion does not determine my worth
- I can be full of love and say ‘No.’
- I can love someone far enough away that they can’t hurt me anymore
- I can end a relationship and still be a good person
- I can make mistakes and still be healing
- I will keep encountering the same types of people/situations until I learn
Relationships must be reciprocal, allowing both people to change and grow. Healthy relationships include boundaries, accountability, conflict and repair, growth, and a space where needs, dreams, and wants are honored and encouraged. Staying in a relationship with someone when you are continually hurt doesn’t make you a good person; it keeps you stuck in the belief that you deserve mistreatment. Pain is not love. Holding on doesn’t prove you are good enough.
Letting go is not giving up. It isn’t punishment for another. I no longer need to hang on to people or things so tightly to prove myself. Letting go of what isn’t for me became more manageable when I realized it isn’t to teach the other person a lesson, but when I finally learned mine,
What or who do you need to let go of to become your higher self?